Xylonzein, 43

myself People say I'm brave
but they don't know how scared I can be
when something takes away my stability

People say I'm smart
but they don't take as long to make a decision as I do

People say I'm self-confident
but they don't realise I’m shaking when I finally take the next step

People say I'm a perfectionist
and I am, though I would like not to be

Friends say I'm not so touched by things
but only God keeps account of my tears and hears my deepest prayers

Some say I should believe more in “grace” than in “the law”
but I do trust that "faith without deeds is dead"

Others think I'm wise
but it just happens when I ask myself what Jesus would do in this moment
I should reflect on that more often

My family says I'm the strongest among them
because in difficult times I remain conscious and give support
although I am the eldest one,
but they don't know how weak I can be in the intimacy of my room.

I want to learn how to be happy in my imperfection
acknowledging that perfection belongs to the Lord
how to be patient and more merciful
when I don't get from others what I logically expect,
how to keep the hope alive that when I'm in darkness
someone will come and turn on the light,
how to strengthen my faith
and believe that everything works for good
when I'm surrounded by the most dreadful moment of my life,
how to be humbly successful
being a great influence by feeling powerfully touched
running slow or walking fast
it doesn't matter while I don't get lost.

For sure I'm on my way,
this mountain is the highest I've ever seen
and it's looking at me with defiant eyes and a tricky smile
but there is someone behind me
I feel his hands placed on my back
"Go on, you can do it" he says, holding me safely
I turn around and look at his unmistakable nail marks
and that gives me the courage to command myself
"Climb to the top...it is worthwhile.